On mobile phones in bathrooms

According to Toynbee, civilizations die from suicide, not by murder. That being the case, the guy in the toilet stall talking on his phone is slowly slitting society’s wrists. Why on Earth does one feel the need to discuss matters of importance during a time of importance? Like texting while driving, it is impossible to accomplish either action well. The bathroom is as sacred a space as any cathedral. Eliade claimed that when one walked through the door of a church, the door become a portal dividing the world of the sacred from the profane. The bathroom is a cathedral, a place for contemplation and personal movements. It is not a conference room, nor a place to take conference calls.  Yet there my coworker sits (I assume) babbling away to his wife about something completely banal. I personally do not want you to answer my call if you are indisposed in this manner. LET IT GO TO VOICE MAIL! I’ll harbor no hard feelings even if I am dying in a gutter somewhere. When Lucifer greets me with an Old Fashioned, I’ll tell him the story. I think he’ll back me up on this.

Your phone is nasty!

At the risk of sounding like Larry David, there are rules in a bathroom. You don’t talk to someone while standing at a urinal unless it is a carryover of a discussion that started beyond the door.  You don’t start conversations with strangers no matter your level of inebriation. If there are three urinals and all are available, you must choose on the outside in order to preserve the “urinal buffer.” Always preserve the urinal buffer! Refrain from checking out another man’s junk. Conversely, do not show off you’re junk. It’s unseemly and eventually someone will have a much larger penis and embarrass you.

You do not speak to anyone in the stalls. Ever. The stalls are akin to a Confessional - an anonymous space for unburdening one’s self from secrets. As in the Confessional, the various sounds and smells emanating from that area are meant to be anonymous. While in the stall, you should never touch your phone. Never ever. That thing is nasty! If you’re not going to wash or disinfect your phone after you leave the stall, then don’t get on it. Most mobile phones are awash with bacteria including e.coli. You’re not going to miss anything while you’re in there. I know it can be boring, but a  Hippie nutritionist once told me: “If you have time enough to read the paper, you need more fiber.”