Is there a ball washer around here? |
There's a new craze in town, and it's kind of weird. You see them in some of the craziest places; washing windows, building houses, hunting etc. They let their pride show along with their legs. No they aren't contestants from RuPaul's Drag U, they're men in kilts. I'm not a fan of men wearing kilts, although I have a friend who would love to look up Hugh Jackman's kilt to see his Wolverine fur. I wore a kilt 30 years ago over my jeans. Actually it was a ripped schoolgirl's skirt from St. Albert's that belonged to my aforementioned friend.
Hello Sailor! |
But now the kilt is no longer the domain of the steel-toed mohawked punk of the 1980s, it's gone legit.
I'm not sure why men are so enamored with wearing
kilts. Maybe they watched Braveheart too many times or maybe they’re secretly a
friend of Dorothy. Either way, it's a really sad affectation. The only thing sadder is the Rollie Fingers moustache and monocle so beloved by Steampunk dorks. When it comes down to it, a kilt is only a roll of duct tape away from being full-on fucking
drag. The difference is that a drag queen will pair it with a cute top, knee high tube socks and fuck me pumps.
Nice shoes, Lord Shit for Brains |
White guys LOVE the kilt. It's mainly popular with frat boy types who think its cool, but ironically it's also popular amongst metalheads, like the "Scottish" guy (whose
family has been here since the 1600’s) who dresses in a kilt for his wedding
and proceeds to tell me of his clan tartan. Of course he gives me a strange look
when I tell him the whole family tartan thing was made up as a marketing
gimmick in the 19th century by a manufacturer and that any true family tartans were
never recorded. It's about as cool as face painters at football games. They usually mutter something about me being a “fag” and walk off.
Ah the sweet sound of success.
While the stupidity of men wearing the tartan kilt outside
of a parade is one thing, the newest article of testicular freedom is the Utilikilt. What is this you say? Well their website proclaims it to be the
ultimate in unbifurcated something or other. In other words, a male skirt. They
come in different styles, some are formal for your wedding or attending black
tie cigar dinners at the local Irish pub, while others have lots of pockets and look
like the bastard progeny of a Catholic schoolgirl’s skirt and a tool belt.
Maybe a little TOO butch |
The website is careful to show manly men engaged in manly pursuits
like hunting, mountain climbing and construction. There are no twinks prancing about
wearing utilikilts with matching armband tattoos. No way dude, no queers
allowed. These kilts are for MEN! Men who climb ladders, who hunt and fish in
kilts. Men who go to the far reaches of the Earth while wearing kilts. I half expected to see a B&W photo of
Hemingway running in Pamplona wearing a kilt. In reality though, I’m thinking that most kilt wearers are
complete fucking dorks. Nerdy compugeeks who spend their time in the land of
World of Warcraft or coding some new iPhone app that shows your exact placement
on Middle Earth. They’re less likely to wear steel-toes and more likely to wear
shoes that show off their prehensile toes.
And somehow I’m
supposed to work in this garb?
Stupid Fucking Hipsters, those are not toys |
I’m not about to go out in the garage and start running bandsaws
and grinders while wearing a skirt. And there’s no way in hell that I’m doing
any welding in that get up. When I’m out in the garage, shaping some steel on
the grinder, or welding I want there to be no doubt that my junk is safe. I
much prefer sweat running down my crack to having some hot piece of microslag ending
up on the tip of my dick. That just won’t do. I don’t want hot metal sparks dancing
around my nuts like the rings of Saturn. Why don’t I just hold a burning sparkler under there?
No I won’t be purchasing a utilikilt thank you. If I want to
let my nuts hang, I’ll simply go commando.
You get the all freedom without any of the danger.
Nicely put. Obviously, Allen Edmonds sees the fashion connection with the "tartan trend". Some smart marketing guy knows this idea will appeal to their core demographic. I can see the Madison Avenue guys salivating over you touting this idea to all their readers. Looking at their website they even have the essential socks and caps to match the outfit....no stilettos, though....sorry.
ReplyDeleteGreg
LMAO.Agree 100%. I can already imagine the butthurt "it's mah herutage" and "I kihn wear what I want and don't mock me" responses on Facebook
ReplyDeleteI love Kilts!!
ReplyDeletewell sir. im Scottish. i play the bag pipes and i have 4 yes 4 kilts. i would be happy to rock one on the chop with pride. let the world stare at my nuts as i ride my chop around. i know/understand that a kilt is not for everyone but the freedom you get with one cant be matched apart from running through a field naked. when you have been drinkin they are your best friend due to the lift and spray tactic used by most drunken scots. one of my favorite lines to use on guys is its a fucking kilt know why we call it that? cause the last guy to call it a skirt got kilt! to me a kilt is like religion some people have one and i don't judge those who don't.
ReplyDeleteswing your balls and be free. that's what it's all about. Enjoy the freedom and ease the kilt brings. There are rules to be followed when free balling in a kilt: 1. get out of the car like a lady. free ball shots can be shocking and lead to laughter and other pointing at you. 2. when crossing you legs in a kilt, don't swing your leg. this will lead to more pointing and laughing for other reasons you may or may not enjoy. 3. wear a masculine shirt and no guyliner. 4. Don't let your kilt outshine your date. I find this leads to a very boring after party. 5. and last but not least, pack a pistol. you never know when you might need it. Especially if you don't follow rues 1-4. Let you flag fly. you earned it!
DeleteSeriously Ryan, I thing your writing is funny and original enough to translate well to standup.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of kilts, it read this http://thenextweb.com/uk/2012/04/12/kiltr-the-linkedin-for-scots-heads-to-new-york-for-international-launch/ and thought it was a joke at first. Apparently its not. Now my scottish (laird) roots have got me interested in signing up for a kiltr account.
-Dale
The article reads like something from the Onion. The worst part is the pipers.
DeleteOh my God, not the sound of the pipes!
When I wear my Utilikilt brand unbifurcated men's garment I get lots of women coming up to me and starting a conversation.
ReplyDeleteWomen LOVE men in kilts! And what guy doesn't want women interested in them? Oh, I know, Poopyman! Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
Utilikilts: Chicks dig it!
Dearest Comrade,
DeleteSince you are commenting on a old post, I can only assume that either you were searching for a new kilt to replace your current model, or you work for Utilikilt brand unbifurcated wraps for men's lower extremities. Welcome anyway.
While I am not a fan of the kilt, I have been tepted by the dhoti, the colorful wrrap thing that so many of the older Hindi men in my neighborhood wear. Although they are certainly not as masculne s the Utilikilt brand unbifurcated lower protection delivery systems.
While you,Comrade find yourself adored by women when wearing a kilt, I would cause them to run in fear. As for me, I shall stick with my jenas and egnineers boots, going commando all the way.
Thanks for the comment BTW
Adorn dignity and legacy with Manly Tartan Kilts merging tradition and modernity for an ensemble that echoes cultural heritage.
ReplyDelete