I was looking over the demographics of my facebook page and
noticed that many of my followers are of the female persuasion, and since it’s the
time of year when we buy each other presents and pretend we like everyone
through a booze-induced haze, I thought I would share some tips for buying
gifts for the man in your life.
Before we start with the list, let me give you the main tip;
ASK THEM SPECIFICALLY WHAT THEY WANT. Women want men to find a gift for them
based on all the hints they drop throughout the year, but men don’t really give a rat's ass.. I
know it’s completely unromantic, but that’s just the way it is. So with that in mind, here’s a gift buying guide to help you get through the
holidays.
Tools
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| Thanks Bob...Asshole |
Men think they can fix anything if they have the right tool.
I call it Bob Villa Syndrome. Their
wives ask them to do something they saw on HGTV and the guy thinks “hey I can
do that!” They don’t realize that the 30 minute show where Norm builds a
Craftsman style desk with hidden compartments, actually took 400 hours and a
huge workshop to build. They think, if that guy can do it, surely a smart guy
like me can do it. Many a divorce has started this way.
My father is much older and grew up in time when you fixed
things rather than throw them out, and he taught me to fix a lot of different
things. In reality though, most men can’t fix much. It’s not their fault, their
father’s didn’t fix much either. Either they didn’t have time, or didn’t care
to bother with it. These sons of suburbia compensate by buying tools -- tools
that sit around and gather dust.
There are still some men who make their living with tools. If
your man is constantly working on something, and he asks for a tool, he means
it. However, if he’s not mechanically inclined and asks for a tool, buy him
something innocuous. If he asks for a compound power miter box so that he can
build a piece of furniture, and he has no skills whatsoever, buy him a set of
calipers. They’re bad ass, useful and he can’t fuck anything up with them or cut
off a finger. The paradox is that he will be disappointed and his manly pride
will be hurt.
Actually, don’t buy him tools.
Electronics
Electronics are at the top of many men’s lists, but be
forewarned, the man who wants a gadget, wants THE GADGET. For example, I have a
friend, we’ll call him Inspector Gadget. The Inspector knows exactly which
gadget he wants down to the model number and he has thoroughly researched the
pros and cons as well as looked at all the reviews. He has tabulated the
reviews and the meta-reviews and through careful thought he has decided. His
research is so detailed, the CIA wishes they could hire him.
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| This club got five stars on Amazon |
Men will spend an inordinate amount of time seeking the best
gadget at the best price. I believe it goes back to our Neolithic ancestors.
Before the hunt, certain men would go out and scout the herd of mammoths in order
to find the closest one with the most meat. They will then return to the camp and debate the pros and cons, rating each mammoth based on a five-spear system.
Then they will steel themselves for the hunt. Modern man scouts his electronic
mammoths via the Intertubes and uses his debit weapon to bring home the quarry.
On second thought, don’t buy him electronics.
Motorcycle or Car Parts
If the man in your life is a hot rod or chopper guy, parts make
a great gift. Keep it simple though ladies. Unfortunately no one has learned how
to bottle the aroma of burning nitromethane, and I’m not certain any of you
want to smell in on your man. Any garage builder worth his salt is probably
asking for something very specific, so try for something in between. If he
drives a slammed 32 rat rod and asks for some high performance Edelbrock cylinder heads along with a valve job to fit his oversize valves, buy him a
shrunken head. If he has a Harley chopper and he wants an S&S sidewinder kit to boost his motor to 110, buy him some new footpegs. He won’t be disappointed and you won’t have
to learn an entirely new language.
If that fails buy him a tool. This is the guy who can
actually use them.
Cured Meats
Nothing says love like cured meats. Men love this stuff as
much as they love sex and football. If they could figure out how to screw while
watching the game and munching on a plate of thinly sliced charcuterie, they
would. But don’t go running down to
Hickory Farms to buy them a nasty ass beef stick. There are plenty of
independent meat purveyors like Sausage World or Bier-Kamp on the web who use only the finest meats to
make their delightful comestibles.
Pick
up an assortment for the man in your life or subscribe to a meat of the month
club. If your man is a Member of the Tribe, forgo this and go for the liquor.
Liquor
Liquor is always welcome, especially if it is a special
bottle. I can remember that my dad always gave and received liquor, especially
amongst his male friends. Every year we got one of those hideous Jim Beam
hunting decanters, along with other bottles of BROWN liquor. The decanters
would sit on the shelf all year and slowly drain until the following year when
the stock would be replenished. For, men there are only a few acceptable
liquors to give and they are mostly brown. There are only three acceptable
white spirits to give, Gin, Tequila and Moonshine. Although I loathe Tequila, I
have added to the list to accommodate my Latino friends. I personally enjoy a
glass of good gin (rocks, twist of lime) but my main love is bourbon.
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| Why God, Why? |
Vodka is nothing more than a conveyance for other flavors In
the same way toast is just a delivery system for butter. Brown liquors being
Scotch or Bourbon. A fifteen year old scotch or bottle of top shelf bourbon
says “I respect your manliness.” This advice goes when buying liquor for your
“gay bestie” too. Don’t assume because a man prefers the company of men, he
will actually enjoy a bottle of whipped cream vodka. In either case, if you
haven’t seen them order a drink, then a nice bottle of red wine will do, like
an old vine Zin.
Guns
A great gift, but unfortunately you can’t buy a handgun for
another person. It’s a shame, really, because nothing says “Merry
Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa/Diwali” like a Kimber Pro Carry .45 auto.
Knives
Every man should carry a knife. My dad did and most of my
co-workers and friends do. It’s not for protection although it can handle that
in a pinch, it’s for useful things like opening those plastic packages that
stuff comes in. You know, the stuff that feels like it’s been arc welded over
top of crazy glue. A good folding knife will go through stuff like Lindsay
Lohan at a coke party, and the great thing about knives is that they come in all
different sizes and price points. You can spend a money on a Kershaw model from Ken Onion, or buy a nice Gerber parafolder like the one I carry.
Bonus: Knives are something that you can buy him every year. It’s a twofer!
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