SkyMall catalog WTF?

If you’ve flown on a plane in the last hundred years, you will have encountered the SkyMall catalog. Back in the go-go 90’s they used to tout that you could order something via the Airphone and it would be ready for pickup at you destination when you arrived. It’s basically a catalog of stuff that used to be sold through the Sharper Image before it was bought by China and turned into a showplace of craptastic electronics with malfunctioning circuit boards that eventually burn down your fucking house.

Like a toupee for you forehead.

My favorite section is the medical and health devices. One of the newest offerings is Clip-on Bangs. Yep, they clip right on so there’s no need to commit to a hairstyles. They come in 8 different colors so you can mix and match to suit your mood. There’s a hair removal device for men that uses heat to remove unwanted hair. I guess it’s better than waxing although it carries the following warning: Do not use near the nipple or genital areas. What? That’s the place I want to use it the most. If I can’t buzz my junk, what’s the point?

Perfect for Major Tom

The Massage and Circulation section has some pretty great stuff an also the usual suspects. The Head and Eye Massager looks like something the CIA cooked up to read minds. It uses high frequency magnets to stimulate various areas on the head. Sounds great, but wont that pull out the same implant the CIA put in my head. I’ll have to ask.  The head is a popular massage point since there are several options. I like a good cranial massage, I’m just not sure about the magnets.

It's for my "neck."

There are also a number of foot massagers  and leg massagers, but conspicuously absent is the traditional “personal massager” that has been popular for about 100 years. You know which one I’m talking about, it’s shaped like a cucumber and runs on batteries (although some now use USB ports.) Did you know that theses were originally marketed to women as masturbatory devices because doctors were tired of doing it for them?

One of the standout sections contains the electronics. There’s the typical selection of legit cameras and such, but there’s also a burner for LPs and Cassettes.  Hmmmm. I can understand wanting to burn that classic pink vinyl Avengers LP to CD, but do you really want to burn that awful mixtape you made for your high school sweetheart when you were going through your Bon Jovi phase? Not to mention the fact that this is the fucking ugliest thing I’ve seen since audio equipment actually looked like this. I guess it goes well with the ceramic Black Panther collection.

But it's art

Of all the gear in this catalog, nothing, NOTHING beats the unmitigated crap in the Design Toscano section. Be it the leg lamp from A Christmas Story to Swords and cultural detritus from the Lord of the Rings, this group has made its money reproducing kitsch on a scale unseen in our lifetime. They even have a gargoyle toilet paper holder. I don’ know how I feel about that. I like my TP non-threatening thank you.  Most of this crap has to be seen to be believed. Scary Carnivale masks, British telephone boxes, and weird soft-core statue of Pharoah’s consort that remind me of Jeff Koon’s porn-Lalique work in the 1980’s.

And yet even in this whirlpool of bad taste, there is a shining light of cultural weirdness: The Meerkat Clan statue. Yes, it’s the truth three of the clan are crossing a stream on a log. One is patting the other on the back in a gesture of comfort while the third is standing up and looking around. It’s a touching scene straight out of Meerkat Manor, but I can’t help but wondering what has spooked the standing meerkat.

What the fuck is THAT!!!!

Maybe he saw the gargoyle toilet roll holder.