Trumpitis is a Real Sickness

There’s a new sickness in town and it’s called Trumpitis. It is comorbid with OWPS, Old-ass White People Syndrome. The symptoms include extreme denial, high blood pressure and racing pulse. Patients are predominantly white, over 50 and really fucking grouchy. This syndrome works by enlarging the Amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for emotion, and making it self-aware. The Amygdala then takes over the brain, overriding the ability of the patient to process information.   

Trumpitis affects selective audial processing as well as vocalization and

Policy is Hard Y'all

cognition. The auditory cortex experiences a reduced ability to hear and process points of view that differ from one’s own.  The hearing mechanism itself is not affected, but the auditory cortex s blocked by signals emanating from deep inside the brain. The Amygdala screens for key words such as “compassion” or “fairness” and blocks those signals from being processed by the brain. Conversely, phrases such as “send them all home” “Muslims are evil” and “Obama is a Socialist” pass unmolested. Also, Benghazi.

Trumpitis also causes the volume of the voice to increase to uncomfortable levels. This is known as “shoutiness.” This shoutiness drowns out everything and everyone within earshot. When the afflicted person believes they are losing an argument, or the cerebral cortex cannot process and argument, the brain issues a retort, typically a non-sequitur, at a massive sonic volume. The syndrome tricks the brain into thinking that the volume of the voice is more important than the

You go girlfriend!

words being said.

There is no cure for Trumptitis. Whereas many other Socially Transmitted Diseases can be cured through education, this disease causes a patient to eschew science or reason, and to consider any academic to be a pointy-headed leftist homo-monkey. Sadly, if left unchecked Trumpitis can spread globally. Unlike Putinosis, Trumpitis is airborne and non-specific in it’s propagation.

To stop its spread, we must be vigilant no matter your party affiliation. Every time someone tells you a “fact” you must counter with the real fact. Show them the science.  Show them the Trump bankruptcy filings. Talk about how character counts and then count the number of wives Trump has had. It’s up to us. 

On mobile phones in bathrooms

According to Toynbee, civilizations die from suicide, not by murder. That being the case, the guy in the toilet stall talking on his phone is slowly slitting society’s wrists. Why on Earth does one feel the need to discuss matters of importance during a time of importance? Like texting while driving, it is impossible to accomplish either action well. The bathroom is as sacred a space as any cathedral. Eliade claimed that when one walked through the door of a church, the door become a portal dividing the world of the sacred from the profane. The bathroom is a cathedral, a place for contemplation and personal movements. It is not a conference room, nor a place to take conference calls.  Yet there my coworker sits (I assume) babbling away to his wife about something completely banal. I personally do not want you to answer my call if you are indisposed in this manner. LET IT GO TO VOICE MAIL! I’ll harbor no hard feelings even if I am dying in a gutter somewhere. When Lucifer greets me with an Old Fashioned, I’ll tell him the story. I think he’ll back me up on this.

Your phone is nasty!

At the risk of sounding like Larry David, there are rules in a bathroom. You don’t talk to someone while standing at a urinal unless it is a carryover of a discussion that started beyond the door.  You don’t start conversations with strangers no matter your level of inebriation. If there are three urinals and all are available, you must choose on the outside in order to preserve the “urinal buffer.” Always preserve the urinal buffer! Refrain from checking out another man’s junk. Conversely, do not show off you’re junk. It’s unseemly and eventually someone will have a much larger penis and embarrass you.

You do not speak to anyone in the stalls. Ever. The stalls are akin to a Confessional - an anonymous space for unburdening one’s self from secrets. As in the Confessional, the various sounds and smells emanating from that area are meant to be anonymous. While in the stall, you should never touch your phone. Never ever. That thing is nasty! If you’re not going to wash or disinfect your phone after you leave the stall, then don’t get on it. Most mobile phones are awash with bacteria including e.coli. You’re not going to miss anything while you’re in there. I know it can be boring, but a  Hippie nutritionist once told me: “If you have time enough to read the paper, you need more fiber.” 

America's Masculinity Crisis

I'm not the most macho dude out there, I'll admit it. I've tried, but at 5'6" and 175lbs, I cut a more compact athletic figure than that of your typical white male. I grew up in a town where the worst epithet anyone could hurl at you was fag. It was the kind of town where being a good fighter was revered more than being the quarterback of the football team. No one wanted to fight me, I was a science nerd, band geek and drama jock,  so kicking my ass would be akin to hunting three-legged sheep. That doesn't mean I didn't sleep with one eye open so to speak.

I thought that life after high school would be different, that once we age, we would mellow. Oh how I was wrong. The White America Male (WAM) has actually regressed to a point of silly macho viciousness. Challenged in his exalted place by women, minorities, homosexuals and other formerly marginalized exotica, he seeks out a new definition of masculinity based in old myths and half-truths. Those mythical tenets now guide their lives and actions contributing to a toxic stew of resentment, pettiness and downright hate.

I've observed that the new macho dude falls into one of three categories; the Tough Guy (TG); the Westerner (W) and the Southern Fried Redneck (SFR.) While each archetype is influenced by regional differences, you can find any of these creatures in any part of the country, or the world for that matter.

What are you lookin' at?

The Tough Guy's range encompasses the Noretheastern US,  south to Baltimore, west across Chicago and to Omaha and as far south as Kansas City.  The TG is a mix of street tough attitude, flinty and squinty stares and itchiness. He parses every glance and eye contact and is willing to fight at the drop of a hat. Look at him the wrong way and he's ready to throw down. Alcohol only exacerbates the problem. For the Tough Guy, life is a series of dog eat dog encounters and compromise is appeasement. TG's believe might makes right and that proclaiming any sort of sensitivity or empathy is tantamount to being a fag. Why you might as well be Caitlyn Jenner if that is the case.

The Westerner's range spreads across the western US from Omaha to Spokane, down the eastern side of the pacific Northwest and California across Arizona and New Mexico to West Texas. The Westerner is a hard scrabble man, who loves Jesus (although he hasn't read the bible) fears God and believes that America is under attack from a secret Muslim Fifth Column. To them, Obama in the White House is a clear sign of the end of times, and that America will be the only country God will allow to survive. They base their beliefs in a weird Christianity where Jesus doesn't turn the other cheek, he pulls out a Kimber .45 and blasts away. He's highly suspicious of anyone that isn't white or may be perceived as "different." The Westerner believes that anyone can pull them selves up through hard work and that the government only reinforces bad choices by providing any type of safety net. Also, the government is a Zionist plot.

PTL and pass the ammo

Finally, the archetype that is sweeping the country is the Southern Fired Redneck. Typified by maroons such as Toby Keith, Charlie Daniels and Mike Huckabee, the SFR portrays the most flamboyant form of macho this side of the Village People. Until recently, the range of the SFR was bounded by the South and Texas. Currently, the SFR can be found anywhere. They are easily recognized in their jacked up trucks with various stickers on the back proclaiming their hatred for the government, Obama, welfare, and love of hunting. They sport their goatees and baseball caps advertising their favorite gun brand, along with their ballistically impenetrable  wraparound shades. They're a paranoid lot who see"threats' around every corner and believe America is the chosen land of God that was founded on the Bible and that Jesus was an American. They hold Red Dawn-based dreams of an invasion by Muslims or FEMA so that they can yell "Wolverines" and repel the invaders like their forefathers.

For all of these archetypes, talk is cheap and thinking is for pussies, action is where it's at. They like strong forceful leaders who don't hesitate to use violence to fix a problem. They hold diametrically opposed views that when highlighted are dismissed with "that's your truth." In short, they are a bundle of ignorant, ill-informed contradictions and I fear it will only get worse.

You're doing it Wrong

In the past several years, the web had been flooded with badly written articles proclaiming “(X): You’re doing it wrong” where (X) can be as simple as ironing a shirt, making a root beer float, slicing a mango, picking your nose, etc.  It’s as annoying as its insipid cousin: “hacks for making something or other better.” Americans are completely obsessed with optimizing everything we do. So much so, that we’re willing to shame other people for not doing it right.

A friend’s recent vacation Facebook post showed a plate of fried fish with a caption declaring he had caught the fish himself earlier that day. More than one commenter exclaimed that it was a “sin” to have fried it. Of course others piled on with recipes and “hacks” for making it perfect. My friend finally explained that the fish was so small it could only serve as an appetizer, therefore frying was the best option. His wife, who does not suffer fools, joined in by calling them snobs. This is exactly what I mean. You can’t do anything these days without some big-nosed asshat telling you that you need to do it differently. Everyone has an opinion and Google has made everyone an expert. But if I don’t ask for your opinion, please don’t offer it.  

Do you like coffee? I like coffee, a lot, and I like to make it in a Chemex? Is it because it makes perfect coffee? No, it’s because it’s easy to use, gets me away from my desk, and looks cool. Besides I’ve lusted after one since I was ten years old. One guy told me I needed to use a specific boiling kettle for my Chemex. Fuck that. There’s a hot water spigot on the coffee maker which is filtered.  I told him that at home I use a percolator. He then scolded me for that since the

She'd grow a beard if she could

percolator “boils the coffee.” Let me tell you something. I worked at Starbucks, so I know a little about coffee, and I know a lot about bad coffee. I’ve yet to have a shitty cup come out of my vintage 1960s percolator. I care very much about the taste of my coffee, but don’t give a fuck how it is made. Since I started using the Chemex at work, a lot of others have started as well. Why? Because they saw that it can be used as a tool in a totally non-pretentious way. They didn’t have to grind it and brew it over a scale like the bearded pretentious fuckwads you see on the web. You know, the hipster shitbirds who spend hours online arguing about infinitesimal details that make Aquinas and Duns Scotus look like punters. They take an ordinary object, reify it, then build an entire canon around it’s use.

With the advent of the Interwebs, the trivial has become the commonplace. So many people have now glommed onto these consumer cults where they have to know everything about a very specific thing. Some call it “nerding out” I call it folly. It’s as if the world now suffers from a collective form of Asperger’s. There’s a forum dedicated to just about anything you can think of. Do you like to shave with a traditional razor? There’s a forum for that. They’ll even berate you for not mixing your own pre-shave oil and lack of straight razor.  

The most obnoxious aspect of these forums is the signature of the poster. They feel they have to put everything pertinent in that tag line. Motorcycle forum posters give you the greatest of detail on their motor, brakes, intake, suspension etc, in their tagline. Then they spend precious time debating the merits of permutations of parts and geegaws. They no longer experience life IRL, they do it vicariously, so afraid to make a mistake.  Even on cancer survivor forums. You’ll find people that list their ailment, treatment protocols and stuff in their signature like the specs of a musclecar.

Offering your opinion in this manner is a smug assertion that you’re sooooo much better. I should know, since I used to do it and I was an asshole. I wasn’t giving people advice or helping them, I was offering my opinion. If I thought the cigar you were smoking or the whiskey you were drinking wasn’t up to par, I’d tell you; usually with a scrunched up judgmental face. The Interwebs are pretty much my old personality with a bullhorn. It’s no wonder we’re a nation paralyzed by anxiety. Everybody is a fucking critic/expert on everything. And worse yet, they contradict themselves. Once piece of clickbait tells me not to rinse my dishes before putting them into the dishwasher, and then another tells me why I should. It’s a 24/7/365 sausage grinder than churns out nothing but misinformation and anxiety. A constant shitshow of judgement, from both sides of the fence.

Fuck it, let’s eat cake. 

Jew is not a verb

I've never been easily offended. Growing up I adhered to the old adage regarding sticks and stones. I've been called every name in the book and then some. Because I stood only 5’6” at most, wore glasses and was smarter than most everyone else (not bragging, simple fact) I endured a lot of taunts. There were the usual epithets such as four-eyes, shorty, little man, asshole, dick, etc. Along with that I heard queer and faggot, a favorite catch all in my shitty town for anyone that didn't adhere to the rigid white trash customs that seemed to abound. I heard others utter the usual racial slurs and always dismissed the speaker as being ignorant. In the words of the immortal Honey Badger, I don’t give a fuck.

I myself never used the word “Nigger." I had black friends in high school and have black coworkers and acquaintances. If I had ever used that word, my father and mother would have smacked me and would have been embarrassed to be seen with me. Using any of those words was seen as a sign of being poorly educated. (My parents are embarrassed enough by my prodigious employment of profane language.)

You see, my father is a Jew, and while technically that doesn't make me Jewish, being Jewish is more than a religion. I consider myself an ethnic Jew, much as some of my friends consider themselves to be Mexican even though their families have resided in this country for 150 years or more. And while I've never been sensitive about any other aspect of my life, I find myself being sensitive to the use of the word Jew as a verb. I rarely heard it growing up but I've heard it a lot in the past ten years. When it happens I don’t say anything I just stand there silently. At some point, though I work into the conversation that I am a Jew and let it go. I don’t know why I don’t just jump at them and punch them in the face, or at least defend my identity.

 I just don’t know.

There's a HUGE chunk of hypocrisy when someone uses the term Jew as a verb. If a Christian does it, they are considered a "hard bargainer" or "shrewd businessman." But, if anyone with a last name that ends in -witz, -stein or -blatt does it, their a cheap Jew. Christians are frugal, Jews are cheap. In reality, my business dealings with Christians here in Texas make me avoid anyone with a fish symbol in their ad. 

Bonus if you remember this cover

There can be only two reasons why anyone uses this term, or any other ethnic slur; naivete or ignorance. There’s a fine line between the two. Naivete is reserved for those who grew up without knowing any Jews, those who received a transmission from their parents, who probably didn't know any Jews either…at least they thought they didn't know any. Jews aren't always recognizable, especially those outside of the Northeast.  There is no Jewish rock station, although many of the best rock and rollers are Jews (Bob Dylan, Lou Reed, Slash, Gene Simmons.) Not every Jew is named Epstein, has curly hair and big ears. Jews don’t typically run around proclaiming their faith and trying to convert everyone. After all, who wants to be a part of a group that has been hated for 2000 years? Naivete, to some point, can be forgiven. Ignorance on the other hand…

Everyone knows that Jewish comedians
 pull the levers that run the world 

Ignorance is the ability to look at the elephant in the room and  call it a giraffe.

Ignorance occurs when someone should know better, and should be able to discriminate between utter bullshit and the truth. Ignorance is looking the truth in the face and still denying it. (Please don’t start debating me on the subjectivity of truth; it’s too early for a Platonic dialogue.) Ignorance is for the uneducated and the closed minded. One would think that it is reserved for those who blindly believe what they are told in order to shift the blame for their laziness elsewhere. I was taught to believe that ignorance is not for the educated, or is it?

Two days ago my wife and I were talking with a person we both know fairly well. She is white, upper middle class, works a corporate job – the very epitome of a mother, etc. In the course of our conversation she asked if someone “Jewed us down.” I had no idea what to say. My wife told me that the remark elicited a rather uncomfortable pause and then the conversation went on. I didn't know what to say. I seriously doubt this woman have used the word Nigger in a sentence in front of a black person. Or Wetback in front of our Hispanic neighbors. But here she was using the only phrase that pisses me off. Although I’m not black, I can relate to what Dave Chapelle says:

Most Jews I know go out of their way to disprove this stereotype. They overtip so as not to look cheap. I've done this myself and been questioned for it.

“Hey Ryan, you gave that waiter a 20% tip on the meal!”

“Yeah, um they work hard.”

“But he kicked you in the balls!”

I don’t come from a wealthy family. Not all Jews are wealthy doctors or lawyers or financiers - don't believe all the bullshit on the Internet.  My father was an MBA in steel-toed boots. He spent his life working outdoors running scrapyards. He was (and still is) a though motherfucker who spent his days in the freezing cold and the burning heat surrounding by mud, dirt and rusting steel. He could never get all the grease and grime from under his fingernails and his favorite overalls were practically flammable from all the oil and grease. His crews comprised blacks, whites and Latinos, and he didn't care what you were as long as you got the job done.  I think am bothered by this because it is disrespectful to my old man. Maybe I’m actually disappointed that people still use this old trope, but it latter makes no sense since I don’t hold people in general in high regard, so I am left only with this as a sign of disrespect.

So from now on I will treat  it as such. 

E-cards suck!

God! I hate E-cards. Not the fun ones like Hoops and Yoyo, I’m talking about the ones with the vintage illustration and the lame attempt at a witty bon mot that usually ends in “fuck you.” These things are everywhere and they are clogging up my Facebook feed.  The problem is that one person likes it and then they share it and then I’ve got three or four copies of the same thing in my feed. These cards are nothing more than electronic gonorrhea masquerading as wit -- an attempt to channel Oscar Wilde’s spirit into a rationalization for being a narcissistic asshole.  

While Dorothy Parker famously said:” if you can’t say anything nice, sit next to me,” the new maxim could be, if you want to couch your hatred for your kids, write an e-card.  They’re hackneyed and annoying and I seriously doubt Oscar Wilde would approve. Does he even have a Facebook page?

Gift buying tips for the man in your life

I was looking over the demographics of my facebook page and noticed that many of my followers are of the female persuasion, and since it’s the time of year when we buy each other presents and pretend we like everyone through a booze-induced haze, I thought I would share some tips for buying gifts for the man in your life.

Before we start with the list, let me give you the main tip; ASK THEM SPECIFICALLY WHAT THEY WANT. Women want men to find a gift for them based on all the hints they drop throughout the year, but men don’t really give a rat's ass.. I know it’s completely unromantic, but that’s just the way it is.  So with that in mind, here’s a  gift buying guide to help you get through the holidays.

Tools

Thanks Bob...Asshole

Men think they can fix anything if they have the right tool. I call it Bob Villa Syndrome. Their wives ask them to do something they saw on HGTV and the guy thinks “hey I can do that!” They don’t realize that the 30 minute show where Norm builds a Craftsman style desk with hidden compartments, actually took 400 hours and a huge workshop to build. They think, if that guy can do it, surely a smart guy like me can do it. Many a divorce has started this way.

My father is much older and grew up in time when you fixed things rather than throw them out, and he taught me to fix a lot of different things. In reality though, most men can’t fix much. It’s not their fault, their father’s didn’t fix much either. Either they didn’t have time, or didn’t care to bother with it. These sons of suburbia compensate by buying tools -- tools that sit around and gather dust.

There are still some men who make their living with tools. If your man is constantly working on something, and he asks for a tool, he means it. However, if he’s not mechanically inclined and asks for a tool, buy him something innocuous. If he asks for a compound power miter box so that he can build a piece of furniture, and he has no skills whatsoever, buy him a set of calipers. They’re bad ass, useful and he can’t fuck anything up with them or cut off a finger. The paradox is that he will be disappointed and his manly pride will be hurt.

Actually, don’t buy him tools.

Electronics

Electronics are at the top of many men’s lists, but be forewarned, the man who wants a gadget, wants THE GADGET. For example, I have a friend, we’ll call him Inspector Gadget. The Inspector knows exactly which gadget he wants down to the model number and he has thoroughly researched the pros and cons as well as looked at all the reviews. He has tabulated the reviews and the meta-reviews and through careful thought he has decided. His research is so detailed, the CIA wishes they could hire him.

This club got five stars on Amazon

Men will spend an inordinate amount of time seeking the best gadget at the best price. I believe it goes back to our Neolithic ancestors. Before the hunt, certain men would go out and scout the herd of mammoths in order to find the closest one with the most meat. They will then return to the camp and debate the pros and cons, rating each mammoth based on a five-spear system. Then they will steel themselves for the hunt. Modern man scouts his electronic mammoths via the Intertubes and uses his debit weapon to bring home the quarry. On second thought, don’t buy him electronics.

Motorcycle or Car Parts

If the man in your life is a hot rod or chopper guy, parts make a great gift. Keep it simple though ladies. Unfortunately no one has learned how to bottle the aroma of burning nitromethane, and I’m not certain any of you want to smell in on your man. Any garage builder worth his salt is probably asking for something very specific, so try for something in between. If he drives a slammed 32 rat rod and asks for some high performance Edelbrock cylinder heads along with a valve job to fit his oversize valves, buy him a shrunken head. If he has a Harley chopper and he wants an S&S sidewinder kit to boost his motor to 110, buy him some new footpegs.  He won’t be disappointed and you won’t have to learn an entirely new language.

If that fails buy him a tool. This is the guy who can actually use them.

Cured Meats

Nothing says love like cured meats. Men love this stuff as much as they love sex and football. If they could figure out how to screw while watching the game and munching on a plate of thinly sliced charcuterie, they would.  But don’t go running down to Hickory Farms to buy them a nasty ass beef stick. There are plenty of independent meat purveyors like Sausage World or Bier-Kamp on the web who use only the finest meats to make their delightful comestibles.  

Pick up an assortment for the man in your life or subscribe to a meat of the month club. If your man is a Member of the Tribe, forgo this and go for the liquor.

Liquor

Liquor is always welcome, especially if it is a special bottle. I can remember that my dad always gave and received liquor, especially amongst his male friends. Every year we got one of those hideous Jim Beam hunting decanters, along with other bottles of BROWN liquor. The decanters would sit on the shelf all year and slowly drain until the following year when the stock would be replenished. For, men there are only a few acceptable liquors to give and they are mostly brown. There are only three acceptable white spirits to give, Gin, Tequila and Moonshine. Although I loathe Tequila, I have added to the list to accommodate my Latino friends. I personally enjoy a glass of good gin (rocks, twist of lime) but my main love is bourbon.

Why God, Why?

Vodka is nothing more than a conveyance for other flavors In the same way toast is just a delivery system for butter. Brown liquors being Scotch or Bourbon. A fifteen year old scotch or bottle of top shelf bourbon says “I respect your manliness.” This advice goes when buying liquor for your “gay bestie” too. Don’t assume because a man prefers the company of men, he will actually enjoy a bottle of whipped cream vodka. In either case, if you haven’t seen them order a drink, then a nice bottle of red wine will do, like an old vine Zin.  

Guns

A great gift, but unfortunately you can’t buy a handgun for another person. It’s a shame, really, because nothing says “Merry Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa/Diwali” like a Kimber Pro Carry  .45 auto.

Knives

Every man should carry a knife. My dad did and most of my co-workers and friends do. It’s not for protection although it can handle that in a pinch, it’s for useful things like opening those plastic packages that stuff comes in. You know, the stuff that feels like it’s been arc welded over top of crazy glue. A good folding knife will go through stuff like Lindsay Lohan at a coke party, and the great thing about knives is that they come in all different sizes and price points. You can spend a money on a Kershaw model from Ken Onion, or buy a nice Gerber parafolder like the one I carry.

Bonus: Knives are something that you can buy him every year. It’s a twofer!

So ladies, if you're still in a quandary about a gift for your man, drop me a line on my Facebook page and Ill try to give you some advice. But don't act surprised if I suggest a gift card. After all, I am a man.