On Men's Grooming

I've noticed some peculiar grooming habits amongst men these days. I’m not referring to the Brozilian or the new habit of waxing in places that should only be seen by a proctologist, I’m talking about things like long fingernails and oddly placed hair other things that men should be made aware of.

I don’t know where the long fingernail thing came from. Back in the 70’s and 80’s men used to grow a pinky nail long so they could scoop up some blow instead of using a coke spoon. It was convenient and also functioned as a shibboleth, a signal to let everyone know they were part of the gold chain and cocaine crowd. This wasn’t just some effeminate affectation; the pinky nail was a tool. It was functional. Plus, the kind of man that grew a nail like that usually wore pants so tight that a coke spoon in his pocket would show like visible panty lines.

Fucking nasty!!!!

I know my father’s generation wouldn’t ever have considered long nails. They actually worked for a living around dirt, grease and other nasty stuff. He worked in a salvage yard and was constantly cleaning his nails even though there was very little there, but nowadays I see all kinds of guys with long nails, and they don’t have waxed eyebrows and night jobs that involve makeup and feather boas. These are regular working professional guys. And I don’t mean a nail with a bit of the white showing, I mean long nails, as in 5mm long, and not just the pinky. I may not be the butchest guy in the sports bar, but this weirds me out. Whenever I’m talking to one of these guys, I can’t help but stare at their nails. I keep thinking: Why are they so long? Do they like to scratch their nuts with them? Do they play classical guitar? (a frequent excuse.)

Frankly, I don’t think drag queens keep nails that long when not on stage. They probably use Lee Press-Ons so they can take them off when they work their day job as a welder or auto mechanic. Either way, I think the ladies need to have a frank discussion with their men about this, because I’m sure as hell not going to do it.

I'm sorry, did you say something?

Another thing some spouses need to talk with their men about is ear hair. The Missus and I worked with a guy, we’ll call him Mr. Furry, whose auditory follicles were so long and dense that it looked like a guinea pig was backing out of his ear. These parti-colored tufts made themselves known to anyone with an eyeball, flaunting their density and silkiness like a beaver with a new winter’s coat. During meetings, my wife would sit next to Mr. Furry and stare at his sound-trapping furballs, fighting the temptation to pluck them with every molecule of her existence. I could see her gazing at the fur, wanting to reach out and tear a handful from his ears with a triumphant pull, as if snatching the brass ring from astride the horse of a carousel. 

But she didn’t and to this day people tell me it has gotten even worse. I imagine I’ll run into him at a trade show and he will look like a 6 foot tall version of cousin It, resplendent in his ear hair-woven finery.

Hellooooo Ladies!

While ear hair is certainly annoying, nose hair is nothing to sneeze at. I personally have to keep at it lest it completely block my air supply. My father’s nasal hirsuteness is legendary. He is one hairy motherfucker. I don’t think he has ever plucked, tweezed or snipped the hair that emerges from his nostrils. It emerges from his nasal cave like Punxsutawney Phil, searching for his shadow and greeting the crowd, except everyday is Groundhog Day. If he looks up his nostrils look like two mink-lined garages. I've wanted to buy him a trimmer for ages, but to me it’s the equivalent of buying someone a stick of deodorant, it’s just not done. Unless it’s anonymous.

Men's grooming is a very  sensitive subject that can only be broached by a man’s partner. Most men believe they look just fine when in reality they have enough ear hair to make an Alpaca jealous. That's why they need someone to intervene. You can’t expect one of his friends to intercede during a drunken happy hour without a fight. No man will tell his friend that it looks like he tried to snort a hamster. No, a man will simply sit and stare at his friend's follicles, imagining the type of creatures residing in that follicle forest. It's not something we are good at doing.   

On the contrary, it must be done by you.