Men? in Kilts

Is there a ball washer around here?

There's a new craze in town, and it's kind of weird. You see them in some of the craziest places; washing windows, building houses, hunting etc. They let their pride show along with their legs. No they aren't contestants from RuPaul's Drag U, they're men in kilts. I'm not a fan of men wearing kilts, although I have a friend who would love to look up Hugh Jackman's kilt to see his Wolverine fur. I wore a kilt 30 years ago over my jeans. Actually it was a ripped schoolgirl's skirt from St. Albert's that belonged to my aforementioned friend. 

Hello Sailor!

But now the kilt is no longer the domain of the steel-toed mohawked punk of the 1980s, it's gone legit. 

I'm not sure why men are so enamored with wearing kilts. Maybe they watched Braveheart too many times or maybe they’re secretly a friend of Dorothy. Either way, it's a really sad affectation. The only thing sadder is the Rollie Fingers moustache and monocle so beloved by Steampunk dorks. When it comes down to it, a kilt is only a roll of duct tape away from being full-on fucking drag. The difference is that a drag queen will pair it with a cute top, knee high tube socks and fuck me pumps. 

Nice shoes,
Lord Shit for Brains

White guys LOVE the kilt. It's mainly popular with frat boy types who think its cool, but ironically it's also popular amongst metalheads, like the "Scottish" guy (whose family has been here since the 1600’s) who dresses in a kilt for his wedding and proceeds to tell me of his clan tartan. Of course he gives me a strange look when I tell him the whole family tartan thing was made up as a marketing gimmick in the 19^th century by a manufacturer and that any true family tartans were never recorded. It's about as cool as face painters at football games. They usually mutter something about me being a “fag” and walk off.

Ah the sweet sound of success.

While the stupidity of men wearing the tartan kilt outside of a parade is one thing, the newest article of testicular freedom is the Utilikilt. What is this you say? Well their website proclaims it to be the ultimate in unbifurcated something or other. In other words, a male skirt. They come in different styles, some are formal for your wedding or attending black tie cigar dinners at the local Irish pub, while others have lots of pockets and look like the bastard progeny of a Catholic schoolgirl’s skirt and a tool belt.

Maybe a little TOO butch

The website is careful to show manly men engaged in manly pursuits like hunting, mountain climbing and construction. There are no twinks prancing about wearing utilikilts with matching armband tattoos. No way dude, no queers allowed. These kilts are for MEN! Men who climb ladders, who hunt and fish in kilts. Men who go to the far reaches of the Earth while wearing kilts.  I half expected to see a B&W photo of Hemingway running in Pamplona wearing a kilt. In reality though, I’m thinking that most kilt wearers are complete fucking dorks. Nerdy compugeeks who spend their time in the land of World of Warcraft or coding some new iPhone app that shows your exact placement on Middle Earth. They’re less likely to wear steel-toes and more likely to wear shoes that show off their prehensile toes.

And somehow I’m supposed to work in this garb?

Stupid Fucking Hipsters,
those are not toys

I’m not about to go out in the garage and start running bandsaws and grinders while wearing a skirt. And there’s no way in hell that I’m doing any welding in that get up. When I’m out in the garage, shaping some steel on the grinder, or welding I want there to be no doubt that my junk is safe. I much prefer sweat running down my crack to having some hot piece of microslag ending up on the tip of my dick. That just won’t do. I don’t want hot metal sparks dancing around my nuts like the rings of Saturn. Why don’t I just hold a burning sparkler under there?

No I won’t be purchasing a utilikilt thank you. If I want to let my nuts hang, I’ll simply go commando.

You get the all freedom without any of the danger.